The pressure of New Year’s Eve .

It only seems like last week I was sitting around on the eve of a new year contemplating the year just gone. Here I am doing it again. The last few days have been a head swirl of hopes, dreams and ideas for 2014. No resolutions , I just can’t follow through. I have a mish ¬†mash of how I want my next year to be. That’s all it is. A mish of mashed up bits and pieces. I want to just flow into it. No guns blazing for me.

I wanted to write a blog for my transition to the new year but just didn’t know how to start. I needed a WORD to sum everything up nicely. That word didn’t come. ¬†That was until last night. I was watching ” Wanderlust ” a hilarious comedy movie with Paul Rudd and Jennifer Aniston. In the movie this couple stumble onto a hippie commune and realise that this way of life is exactly what they need and have been searching for. No pressure from the outside world, no deadlines, no bills to pay just free loving and blissful days. And no I’m not ready to run off to join the Hare Krishna’s. Stay with me on this.

There is a scene where Ms Aniston had really transformed herself from a stressed out suit wearing woman to a hippie chick. Messy hair, beads, shoeless, pot smoking and basically free . A free spirit. A gorgeous one at that.

My husband turns to me and says ” that used to be you, that’s exactly how you were when I met you “…..

Now this is the bit where I would normally take great offence and go into a sulk and wound him with my words. For some reason I didn’t and I completely understood where he was going with this. It was true. Sadly very true.

Calmly I turned to him and said , without even thinking about it,… ” she’s still here, I’ve just lost her along the way somewhere” . “She has slowly been beaten down by being a responsible adult, wife and mother” .

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It felt sad to even say it. It was like someone else was talking for me. I got it and he got it.

I WAS the character in the movie. Free spirited, strong willed but soft natured. Creative and whimsical. Loving and fun, willing to try anything . Where the fuck did I go ? I see glimpses of her after a few drinks, glimpses of her when trolling through the local hippie markets and glimpses of her late at night when everyone is asleep and I can think and recall fond memories.

In 2014 I am going to start looking for her again. She was kinda cool what I remember of her and everything else can fall into place where it needs to.